It is what it is

It’s a curious thing, this obsession with time that everyone seems to have. Not only have, but suffer from. I’m not excluding myself, no. I can’t deny the shivers that I get from the backwards ticking clock from Benjamin Button. I can’t deny how I’m living in the past and the future at the same time, or sometimes wishing to stop time for a while even though I never feel it going by.

How do we even perceive time? You feel it when it has passed, you fear it when it’s yet to come. But the moment it is your present, there’s not a single way to sense it. Not one.

And now, dear daily prompt, you are asking me to give you NOW. And how am I supposed to do it? By telling you that I’m sitting on a white couch right now, tiping those words, staring at my computer and blinking every once in a while? I’m sure that’s not what you want.

So I’d start by telling you what I’ve been up to since January first, which is quite a lot. I visited the most incredible places and made life-changing experiences. I cried, I laughed, I danced. I lived.

Then I’d tell you what I think life will be like in the future. How little I know about what will happen next and how much I hate this uncertainty. But that, also, is part of life.

By now you should realize that I can’t give now to you. Otherwise it would suddenly occur to me that this now is such a small window, a cage, from which we can’t escape. It’s nothing, in comparison to the amount of life I experienced in the past and will hopefully experience in the future, it’s there and with the next blink of an eye it has become the past – and yet it is everything we actually have. Funny that we seem to live to let the future become the past.

Realizing this will hopefully make me more aware of the present in the future.

Well, why not start now?


A life without

The daily prompt.
My dear friend.
The lines I’m about to write seem to be much more difficult for me than they should be. I wrote this letter in my head already a thousand times but I never had the courage to actually put them down on paper. Too big seemed their impact on my life. Too difficult did it seem to me, a future without you.
I’ve known you since I was a little child – maybe that’s what makes it so difficult for me. I am so used to you. I never had to find alternatives. I could always count on you. You were just there. And believe me, I’m so grateful for that!
But I had to realize too many times that it’s so dangerous to rely on you that much. I’m depending on you. I need you everywhere I’m going. Even when I don’t want you to be at my side… you know, sometimes you just make me feel like I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. It’s too much!
My dear, dear friend. How  I enjoy looking back on the joyful times we had together. You made me laugh, cry, smile, jump and scream! You showed me the most beautiful sights, introduced me to the most incredible facts, and you gave me hunger to discover more.  But as good as those times were, it’s hard for me to also think back to those times when you disappointed me, fooled me, lied to me! Even if you showed me how easy life could be with a little help of yours… sometimes, when I needed you the most, you refused to help me! Sometimes I just wanted to shout and scream and…. no. No. That I shouldn’t even think. Just know that I never meant to do you harm, but you knew exactly where you could hurt me the most. Sometimes completely out of the blue! I still don’t know what I did to deserve this!
I think by now you know what I’m intending with this letter. It’s difficult for me but I’m just going to write it… you’re leaving me. For good. I don’t want to need you anymore. I will try it. I will try a… a life without. Without my computer.
Thank you for your friendship, I will miss you more than I will be able to take. Of that I’m sure. But I’m optimistic that my life will be so much brighter without you. And I’m sure you’re going to find someone else very soon. Someone who can handle you better than I ever could.
So long, my friend. I’m curious what I’m going to do without you in the future. But for now I’m going outside – to dance in the rain.


How long has it been since someone touched part of you other than your body?

– Terri Guillemets


Why I wouldn’t like to survive the end of the world

I’m sure that I’m not the only person on earth thinking about the great death of the earth every once in a while. Probably not even in this exact moment. More than likely, every one of you, whoever is actually reading those lines, has a certain scenario in their heads about how exactly this party is going to end. I’m guessing  you’re picturing it all painted red and black with a lot of smoke and stuff. At least that’s what is in my head right now.


Anyway, as we all think about ourselves as this significant human being that’s going to change the world at some point for sure, most of us like to think about ourselves as the survivors of the apocalypse, the Adams and Eves of the new world, the preservers of the human heritage. Well, at least I hope that most of the people do actually think like this. Otherwise by now you know a lot more about my psychological issues than I would like you to.

Let’s say I’m right and have a look at time and the significance of the life of one human being within it. Let’s even compare it with the significance of the dump a rat took somewhere in a field in France in 1756 to my life right now. And now let’s assume that it’s even 3975330984 x 10^234 times less significant. That is not much. (If you’d like a more graphic description (yes? oh really? more graphic than that?) or you’re so afraid of and/or disgusted by rats that you’re standing on a table screaming right now, just have a look at this website:

Honestly, I still hope that you’re taking me seriously, but I’m starting to doubt it.

But why did I bring up the significance of one human being for the turning of the world? Or time in general? And even a rat?

As I was sitting in the sun today, changing from solid to fluid, I had not much more to do than thinking about my very own significance in this very world and time, about this moment that they call life, and about the time it will end. I also thought about history and how blessed I am to live now and to know how everything with the world and humanity and stuff turned out so far. It’s actually a great story! But every great story deserves a great end, doesn’t it? And then it occurred to me: damn it. I’m not going to find out how this story ends. And why. And when. Only if the world will come to an end with me. And this is why it would be incredibly annoying to survive the apocalypse.

You know, by then I will have made it so far: I will have given everything to survive right till the very, very end of the world. To the last moment. The last breath of the earth, blink of the sun, dump of a rat, kiss of the rain, whistle of the wind. I’d know how the book ends. I have the perfect story from beginning to end. I can die with a satisfaction that not many people will share. And THEN I’ll find a rescue, chicken out from death and wake-f*cking-up the next morning. I missed it. I missed the chance to die happy. I had the perfect finale of life and i screwed. it. up. What do I get from that? I wonder how everything’s going to change after I died, how humanity will manage their chance this time. And I’ll never know. What a sucky end. No one would read this book.

So please, life, if you’re reading this: be a dear and let the apocalypse come when I’m eighty and done. And then take me with you. I’ll write a book about it in the afterlife and it’s gonna be a hit. Promise.


“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”

Aldous Huxley




If you look hard, you can even find some unexpected truths in commercials.

DSC_6533 - Kopie (2)

The best thing about getting lost is…

what you find along the way.


Here or there…?

I’m just going.


Anywhere I end up,

I’m just free.






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