A Final Adjö

There are times in life that are simply unforgettable. Not only because certain smells, songs or situations remind you of them every now and then, but because they have utterly changed and still influence your view on life, people and events. Deep in your heart, every major decision in your life has been influenced by those times and the important experiences you’ve made back then. Everything you’ve said, done or refused to do can be justified by the things you learned there and then. No day seems to go by in which you don’t think back nostalgically, mad, frustrated, happy – but in any case deeply moved. In fact, thinking back has become a necessity, an indispensable part of your life. Of course, not everything was great then, in fact, life gave you a lot of opportunities to remember to always appreciate the good times when they’re there. But for sure was this time, all in all, the most vivid time of your life.

Everyone has their own unforgettable, big story of their life. At least I hope so. Mine is surely the time I can’t stop talking and thinking about and everyone who ever talked to me knows what I’m (once again) talking about.

From time to time it seems a bit unhealthy to me how I tend to worship my time in Sweden. But I can’t help it, it was THE time of my life. There were moments of pure happiness and pure appreciation of life. I was lucky enough to meet people with whom I really connected, who I still count to my closest friends. People I’d otherwise have never met. What a cruel thought!

In fact, there were so many incredible people who I now recall as the most open, tolerant and uncomplicated people I’ve ever met. If it wasn’t for them I would have never learned to think outside the box. I would have never been able to change so much, to finally open my mind and think different. This wildly underestimated ability is actually the one, I suppose, that was, is and will be the one lifechanging skill that I’ll hopefully always carry with me. I may forget how to speak Swedish, how to bake kanelbullar or how this disgusting ugly wine tasted, and that’s ok. But if I ever lose the ability to think outside the box, I don’t even know what life could possibly have in store for me.

But apart from the wonderful people I’ve met there, I will always remember with an indescribable mix of emotions the places I’ve seen and the craziness we’ve lived.

The first fika we got a bit wrong when we had Corona and donuts.

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The time it was raining so badly and I didn’t bring an umbrella or suitable shoes for that weather. That was when I borrowed a pair of socks from a friend who always brings a second pair of socks in her handback. I do that eversince, too. I never needed them.

Our first monthiversary.

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The welcome dinner: the first time I got to dance with my favourite argentinian friend. ;-)

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Poland.

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LeMans. The first kravall. Beer Pong.

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Having vodka and beers and creating a fantastic playlist with an appopriate name.

Winter.

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Moving closer to HG.

Failing to take selfies at the HG bathroom.

SEEING THE NORTHERN LIGHTS. And never being able to stop thinking about them in complete sadness. Having the impression, for the first time in life, to actually have seen it all and enough and that everything, from that time on, would feel like going backwards.

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Having simply a good time celebrating my birthday.

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Finding a note on my neighbour’s window.

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And really, so much more.

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I know you know all this already, or you don’t know me so this doesn’t make any sense, but it’s about time I write all this down. Sweden changed me and the only people who will ever get it are those who were there with me. They get how thinking back will always be a little bit painful but still the most important thing in life. The thing I was most afraid of before I left was to forget, not people or places or feelings, those I could never forget. But to forget what kind of person I could actually be. To forget everything I learned about myself. And sometimes the only way to remember that seems to talk about it, and to try to make it understandable to all my friends who haven’t been there with me. As so often in life though, words don’t seem to be enough. But I guess it’s worth a try.

At least writing down helps closing that chapter and taking every impression, lesson and important friendship with me to lots of new chapters of my life.

It is what it is

It’s a curious thing, this obsession with time that everyone seems to have. Not only have, but suffer from. I’m not excluding myself, no. I can’t deny the shivers that I get from the backwards ticking clock from Benjamin Button. I can’t deny how I’m living in the past and the future at the same time, or sometimes wishing to stop time for a while even though I never feel it going by.

How do we even perceive time? You feel it when it has passed, you fear it when it’s yet to come. But the moment it is your present, there’s not a single way to sense it. Not one.

And now, dear daily prompt, you are asking me to give you NOW. And how am I supposed to do it? By telling you that I’m sitting on a white couch right now, tiping those words, staring at my computer and blinking every once in a while? I’m sure that’s not what you want.

So I’d start by telling you what I’ve been up to since January first, which is quite a lot. I visited the most incredible places and made life-changing experiences. I cried, I laughed, I danced. I lived.

Then I’d tell you what I think life will be like in the future. How little I know about what will happen next and how much I hate this uncertainty. But that, also, is part of life.

By now you should realize that I can’t give now to you. Otherwise it would suddenly occur to me that this now is such a small window, a cage, from which we can’t escape. It’s nothing, in comparison to the amount of life I experienced in the past and will hopefully experience in the future, it’s there and with the next blink of an eye it has become the past – and yet it is everything we actually have. Funny that we seem to live to let the future become the past.

Realizing this will hopefully make me more aware of the present in the future.

Well, why not start now?

“Ingen människa ska känna sig ensam, värdelös och oomtyckt.”

No one shall feel lonely, worthless and unbeloved.

Written on a tile in Linköping, Sweden.

On this tiled wall, everyone can write a personal wish for the future in any language you want, for it may hopefully come true some day in the future. The wall can be found on a small passage along to Kinda Kanal.

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