Why I wouldn’t like to survive the end of the world

I’m sure that I’m not the only person on earth thinking about the great death of the earth every once in a while. Probably not even in this exact moment. More than likely, every one of you, whoever is actually reading those lines, has a certain scenario in their heads about how exactly this party is going to end. I’m guessing  you’re picturing it all painted red and black with a lot of smoke and stuff. At least that’s what is in my head right now.

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Anyway, as we all think about ourselves as this significant human being that’s going to change the world at some point for sure, most of us like to think about ourselves as the survivors of the apocalypse, the Adams and Eves of the new world, the preservers of the human heritage. Well, at least I hope that most of the people do actually think like this. Otherwise by now you know a lot more about my psychological issues than I would like you to.

Let’s say I’m right and have a look at time and the significance of the life of one human being within it. Let’s even compare it with the significance of the dump a rat took somewhere in a field in France in 1756 to my life right now. And now let’s assume that it’s even 3975330984 x 10^234 times less significant. That is not much. (If you’d like a more graphic description (yes? oh really? more graphic than that?) or you’re so afraid of and/or disgusted by rats that you’re standing on a table screaming right now, just have a look at this website: http://hereistoday.com/)

Honestly, I still hope that you’re taking me seriously, but I’m starting to doubt it.

But why did I bring up the significance of one human being for the turning of the world? Or time in general? And even a rat?

As I was sitting in the sun today, changing from solid to fluid, I had not much more to do than thinking about my very own significance in this very world and time, about this moment that they call life, and about the time it will end. I also thought about history and how blessed I am to live now and to know how everything with the world and humanity and stuff turned out so far. It’s actually a great story! But every great story deserves a great end, doesn’t it? And then it occurred to me: damn it. I’m not going to find out how this story ends. And why. And when. Only if the world will come to an end with me. And this is why it would be incredibly annoying to survive the apocalypse.

You know, by then I will have made it so far: I will have given everything to survive right till the very, very end of the world. To the last moment. The last breath of the earth, blink of the sun, dump of a rat, kiss of the rain, whistle of the wind. I’d know how the book ends. I have the perfect story from beginning to end. I can die with a satisfaction that not many people will share. And THEN I’ll find a rescue, chicken out from death and wake-f*cking-up the next morning. I missed it. I missed the chance to die happy. I had the perfect finale of life and i screwed. it. up. What do I get from that? I wonder how everything’s going to change after I died, how humanity will manage their chance this time. And I’ll never know. What a sucky end. No one would read this book.

So please, life, if you’re reading this: be a dear and let the apocalypse come when I’m eighty and done. And then take me with you. I’ll write a book about it in the afterlife and it’s gonna be a hit. Promise.

Those small moments

If we are perfectly honest to ourselves for a second, we have to admit that we are all looking for them: those big changes in our lives, the billion dollar jackpot, the once-in-a-lifetime-chance, the accidental running into our future dream-husband, the discovery of your hidden talent by this hollywood-star who coincidentally asks for directions in your coffee shop or the business idea of your life. We’re all dreaming about looking back on our lives when we’re old and grumpy and saying: “kids, I wasn’t expecting much from my life as a waitress, until on a rainy day George Clooney, who is your father as you know, showed up in front of my Nespresso shop.”

Or something like that. But as much as we’re dreaming about it we are hopefully realising at the same time that it is only just a dream and are able to focus on other things in our lives. We figure out what’s really important and couldn’t care less about money. We secretly know that we would have the potential to become a Hollywood-legend but we learned to appreciate our satisfied suburban lifestyles. And that’s wonderful. No matter what kind of life we lead, we should at any time still be able to experience and fully appreciate those moments that change our lives maybe not on the surface but in our perception and in our hearts.

Reading this you might be lead to the well-known thought: “yeah sure, but… why?” I began to think about this as I was reminded by myself of my all-time favourite story regarding the discovery of my now favorite musical artist. I mentioned him in my last blogpost about the discovery of another musical project in which he participates. I started again thinking about this moment when I first heard him and was as thankful and touched just as I was back then all over again. But before I’m sharing this moment with you I want to make clear that I know that only few people can understand how the discovery of a certain musician can be so important. You must be crazy about music and hold a huge place for it in your heart and in your life. Music for me is a passion that others find in sports, books, horses, lego, food or… whatever. I’m sure you have that too.

It’s not the amazing story that you’re expecting for sure. But why else would I write such a big introduction? Well, I love writing, that’s it. Anyway. It was in eleventh grade, so I was about 15 or 16 years old when I was in France as an exchange student for only ten days. We were given an afternoon in Lyon to stroll through the city, go shopping, have a coffee and socialise. Back then I wasn’t as much into cloth shopping as my friends so I disappeared to go in a shopping center called FNAC for a while. This was the place to go for me because what they have is above all books, DVDs and CDs. So walking through paradise I finally came to the big music section. I heard some CDs and of course I only chose them by their covers. One of them caught my attention right away:

The strange atmosphere that this picture suggests fascinated me in a way. So I grabbed the CD and wanted to listen to it but sadly the first song couldn’t be played. The second song started playing and began with a rather strange men choir kind of thing but I thought: ok, sounds interesting, let’s wait if there will be some instruments… and then the guitar started playing rhythmically, other instruments were added and the song started… wow. I went on. Skinny love, the third song, didn’t convince me. But the The Wolves started playing and gave me this feeling that I’ll never forget. Somehow I’ve seldomly been this sad before but still I was grateful, happy and deeply moved. I didn’t listen to the whole CD – I put the headphones back and ran to the counter like a fool to make this CD mine and only mine.

In my host family I didn’t have a CD player and was too shy to listen to it loud with the computer anyway. So every night when I went to my room I listened to the music very low and was incredibly nervous. But still, as soon as the music started I couldn’t help but be as moved as I was never before and would never be again by any other music. This moment changed something in my life. I can’t say how or what. But the thought of never having discovered it under different circumstances  gives me the shivers.

This is a very personal story for me but still I’ve been carrying it around for years now and was always looking for a chance to share it. Telling it makes me happy. This moment that I will never forget showed me how in the end I only need few things in my life to be completely happy and satisfied no matter how hard life can be. Especially in those sad, difficult and hard times that everyone knows those are the moments to remember, not the raise you got at work five years ago. Do you have those moments too or are they yet to be created?